Birthday Boy!

My little guy turned four on Saturday. Boy time really does fly. You become a parent and it's like suddenly your stuck on Fast Forward, except there is no pause button. The fact is that unless your waiting and hoping for a cancer treatment (or any other treatment of a debilitating or life threatening disease) to start working [which feels agonizingly slow I might add, even when you receive hopeful bits of news] life moves much too fast. Only in those most desperate of moments does it feel like a slow motion movie in which the right combination of medicine is just out of reach. 

For the most part, we move through life and we face really tough things like moms with cancer and that pause button would come in so handy. Why is that? It would be so great if we could just slow down a bit. 

We can't though. Life is like that, it's either agonizingly slow or mostly too fast. Like when your son turns 4 and it's bittersweet because he's 4 and you've lost another year of his innocent childhood but he is growing up to be quite the little man and Grammy was there to see it. 

It's really difficult not to think of all the good memories as memories, memories that remind you that at some point in the future the memories we make won't include Grammy (my mom). That's really tough to swallow. At the end of a really great day in which your son has cuddled with his Grammy, they've had dinner together, you've made cake,everyone ate cake, he opened gifts and posed for precious, loving, smiling pictures it is tough to stay positive when for just one second you let yourself consider the fact that you really no longer have any clue just how many of these moments are left. 

Saturday was one of the best days we've had in the last three months. It's been a long three months and I know that it is important to stop grieving for what we will all lose, what she will lose and focus on the present, being present and making precious memories. I have to coach myself to do it. Enjoying a special time no longer comes natural to me. Constantly thinking and considering what will come next (snapshot of just some of my regular thoughts):

What I need to do to help mom...
What I can do to help mom...
What I need to plan...
What my family needs from me...
What I can give my family...
What my mom's pain level is at any given moment...
Is she managing her pain or skipping the meds...
Did she remember her meds today...
Was it a good day for her... 
Did she have a restful sleep...
Is she lonely today...
Did anyone else visit her or ask how she was...
Did I break any promises today that I never intended to break...
How will I keep this up...
When will I ever master my mind and actually sleep well... 

That is my new normal. 

Being positive is key, and focus, great focus. I know this to be true. So on Saturday I focused on my son, and his cake...it was a great cake if I do say so. I am no cake boss but it was fun. I focused on taking pictures of him with Grammy. 

Grammy's Smile

Lucca's Fire Boat Cake

We got him his first fish tank, just a 20 gallon but it's a great tank and he loves it. On Sunday we picked up fish, 4 Neon Tetras, 2 Fancy Tail Guppies (one male and one female, mommy's pick, because after all life is a miracle), 2 Silver Mollies (one male and one female, again mommy's pick) and finally a Creamsicle Molly and a Black Molly (both males, Lucca's pick - typical boy). After one hour the Neon Tetra's didn't make it (life is also fragile). They've since been replaced by 4 Glo Tetra's and an additional 2 Comets (goldfish). This smile on his face when he stares at those fish, or feeds them, just a spot - never more than a spot...is so precious. 


"When you feed a fish, never feed him a lot, so much and no more, never more than a spot or something will happen! You never know what." 

             A Fish Out of Water - By Helen Palmer Geisel         

Friday's optimism, was followed by Saturday's precious memories and for a few days we all did our best to focus and be in the moment and not in that place of fear that is so easy to go to. 

Happy Birthday my child. 
You are so loved.