I was listening to a podcast this morning. That’s my new thing. I’ve been doing that a lot lately because I can’t fall asleep most nights. That’s usually because I can’t stop thinking about problems that are complex at best and solutions that are evading my consciousness. Thinking about things that are difficult, things that you struggle with, things that make you worry, things that make you feel powerless because they are the things for which it is your responsibility to know how to solve and you don’t, know how to solve them - well that right there is my insomnia! First I turned to a device - take your mind off that problem by playing candy crush - yeah no, it doesn’t work and it’s not good for you. Then I found audio books, um I made it through hours and hours of audio books, often “listening to” several books in a week. There’s a pretty cool function that allows you to set a sleep timer too. When I ran out of books I returned to Podcasts. I have a ton of favorites, mostly true crime but this one is different.
So I found this new podcast, it’s a great little podcast. it’s called “terrible, thanks for asking”. I relate to this podcaster in a lot of ways. She lost a loved one to cancer, an awful form of cancer.
Hmmm. Ok, rather than delete that sentence, let’s just acknowledge how stupid it is. Why do we humans do that, is there really a good cancer? No! Cancer is terrible, it’s always terrible. It doesn’t discriminate and it’s terrible.
Back to the podcast...
Since I’m all caught up on Undisclosed, Accused, In The Dark, Someone Knows Something, Serial, S-Town, Dear John and on and on...I checked this out (credit to Crime Writers On, whose recommendation led me to it) - it’s not True Crime and it’s not following the work of innocence projects or cold cases which I am apparently addicted to...but it is so good and bravely honest. I started from the beginning - it was and is inspiring and sad (I cried at some point in at least 2/3 of the first ten episodes yet I laughed just as much). It’s real, right? In an oddly good and affirming way, yes it’s real. And my messy life? Well, It’s like I have been saying since mom passed, to quote my new favorite podcaster “there’s no such thing as closure and acceptance is slippery” and I am here right in the middle of all the grief that will never lessen.
And the podcaster, Nora...
She lost the person that she most adored on this earth to cancer and though that is only part of her personal story it’s one that resonates with me and drew me in. In this particular episode that has me writing, well, actually I am talking to Siri because, yes, you guessed it, I’m actually driving, (hands free). Who has time for ones own thoughts? In this episode she’s interviewing the husband of another cancer patient, someone who also lost their life to this terrible disease. And he says “death is not failure”.
That’s when I hit pause and started talking to Siri and recording these thoughts. It got me thinking (and crying) that in my heart of hearts I know that death is not failure, right? I should know that. It’s not failure, it’s a part of life. It’s not the end, it’s part of the whole. Everyone dies. Death will be a part of everyone’s life. But we don’t talk about death that way. it’s something that is in the distance. And when it does happen, because we know it must, we hope to die in our sleep peacefully. That’s just the way that we look at.m it. it’s probably not the healthiest thing.
I had this realization listening to this conversation about death and how we view it, that maybe I might be holding onto my own failure in relation to the death of my mother. OK not maybe. definitely. I definitely feel my own failures very deeply. It it tugs at me. This idea that in losing her to this awful disease I have somehow failed. That’s really selfish I know. But there is nothing more in the world I wanted to do and still want to do than to save my mom. To save her from the inevitable pain that she would endure everyday and the painful way in which she spent her last months, days, hours, breaths. I’m a really good Sideline quarterback, just ask my husband. I always know how it should’ve been done. Somehow my husband loves me and gives me a pass for my “rightness”. I’m definitely mostly, always right. He is a saint.
And in the hoe it should have been for mom, I wallow. I wallow in what I could have done differently. Hindsight offers a really dangerous perspective. It gives me just what I need to convince myself of the things I could’ve seen, the alternative paths, if only I was looking harder at the things that to any sane person they realizes only become clear after the fact.
I’ve been holding on to this and I probably will continue to, but I’m choosing in this moment to name it and acknowledge how truly messy grief is.
This podcast, “Terrible, Thanks for Asking” - it’s pretty amazing. It’s centered around the honest answer to one simple question. How are you?
Can you answer honestly, this question that we are asked or ask each other daily? You should. I want to. And, I want to be accepted in doing so.
This podcast does answer the question with honesty. It is funny, it’s sad, it’s life, it’s raw, it’s truth and sometimes awkward, yes, and messy but also affirming. Truly. Life is complicated. And that’s okay. How we truly feel, is okay. It’s not about who has it worse but is it about lifting each other up. I can’t stop listening...and I cannot believe how many of these stories and how her feelings resonate with me personally.
How are you?
People usually say good (that’s rarely the honest answer...and when it is, it’s definitely an incomplete answer). Lately I’ve been saying “I’m here”. Queue winning smile because now the asker is like - Um, she’s suppose to say good or great!
But what if I just answered honestly....what if we all did. What if that was okay...truly. Okay.
I wonder.
When you can’t sleep...podcast! Or, try to answer honestly...How are you?
