Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The Mind

We know that the human brain is more powerful than many of us fully appreciate. After all it can make or break us. I find that I am in a constant battle with the direction of my thoughts. Their either my offense - I am Curtis Martin and I just stiff-armed my way through the NY Jets Defensive Line, running like a madman, cradling that ball like a new born baby and a touch down is inches away, or  I am Tedy Bruschi and despite the fact that I know how to be great, I keep missing tackles (now I know this didn't happen to Tedy - so don't go looking up stats and quoting them to me, just go with the analogy). 

On the days when I am able to focus (especially focus on something positive) I am more at ease, I worry less and I tend to be more optimistic about everything, certainly about mom. Days when the dull climb up the endless mountain of work takes some twists and turns resulting from an unexpected triumph and a sense of accomplishment are great. The touchdowns are endless and we are winning by many (so many we are Bill Belichick and we are criticized for rubbing it in our opponents face). My thoughts turn to the countless days we'll have together, to the hope of a cure (from some other super smart human brain) and the thought of my mother being released from this sentence she's been given.

On the days that I find myself in the suck zone, I worry, I become Tedy without the greatness. It consumes me and it's often irrational. Will the scans confirm our optimism? What is unknown? Why are our days limited? Why her? How can there not be a cure for her? How? 

Today is one of those days. It's crept up on me slowly as the day passed. It hit me smack dab in the middle of a meeting with another Director. It really is quite embarrassing to be meeting professional to professional, planning institutional goals and directions, looking at the big picture and then suddenly be stopped in your tracks, holding your breath and trying not to cry because for no explicable reason your mind is working against you today and worst of all it was a surprise attack. 

You see, I know that we all have it inside us to be great, I truly believe that. I myself have had moments of greatness, however, we rarely give ourselves credit for the greatness. Yet, we take our faults ten fold - we hold the weight of the world on our shoulders and wonder why we feel so deflated. It's not rational, I know this...but the mind is a powerful thing and it takes a lot to stave off the worries of losing your mom to Cancer


A side note: The NE Patriots are the ONLY team. Curtis and Tedy rank among my favorite players and while I love NY, I will never love the Jets. 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

My Medical Choice

If there's one thing I stick to now, it's regular doctors visits. Each and every time that visit comes around, which seems like at least a few times a year between physicals and follow ups, my doctor asks "How's mom?" and "Have you asked her to have the genetic blood testing for BRCA yet?"

I have not asked her to have the tests yet because I am not sure I want to know. She usually reminds me that mom's insurance will likely cover it and I have nothing to lose. BUT, don't I? I have maintained that I would not take the radical step of preventative double mastectomy and therefore reasoned that knowing can only add to my worries and stress. She has encouraged me to have mom tested first, since if she isn't a carrier I need not be tested and only if she is a carrier would I need to decide to be tested or not. I have maintained my stay the course and be vigilant with breast exams stand.

Today my dear friend Hanna shared this opinion piece by Angelina Jolie (my all time favorite actress and one of my favorite people in general). It's, good....it's thoughtful and it has me questioning my stand. First, I am not Angelina Jolie and I do not have the luxuries she has...but we are both women with a child or children that are counting on us and a mom who has fought or is fighting to live through cancer.

Life is tough and so is My Medical Choice - which I have realized that I have not yet made.


Click here for Angelina's Article:My Medical Choice