Attitude (written but never published in August 2013)

Life for me has been somewhat challenging these past few months...hence the blog silence. While there have been some lovely things: my son, the light of my life is growing fast and full of innocence and wickedness just the same; my sister and I have reconnected after many years of what can only be described as wasted and my mother has had a few good weeks here and there, the kind that give you hope and make you start to think...maybe just maybe the doctors will be wrong about her.

There have also been some very dark and scarey moments. Work is a challenge unlike I have ever faced before. I have had my fair share of supervisors that just plain sucked and times throughout my career where I just did my job to get food on the table and bills paid. I was past that, or so I thought. I found not only a dear friend, dare I say family in my most recent supervisor. An incredible mentor who helped me to realize that I really am capable of anything, who believed in me, pushed me and genuinely cared that my strengths were aligned properly with my goals and that I was on track to make a difference not only in my life but in the lives of others in a career I loved. 

There have since been what feels like monumental shifts in value and in mission (unstated but there just the same), the kind that result in the truly good and talented people moving on. And so she did, my mentor has moved on to bigger and better things. I on the other hand have remained and being the loyal, hard worker that I am...have stayed (for now) and traveled a path that I would not have chosen. I have never been so unhappy and unmotivated. Still I do the work...but I miss the passion...the belief that I was making a difference, that I believed in what I was doing and the people I was doing it with. There are fewer and fewer people surrounding me that I can honestly say I believe in...and those that I do aren't really part of my daily work since my most recent move. I suspect they'll be fewer and fewer as time passes.

Having a mom who is fighting everyday for some semblance of the life she once had is hard, very hard. When any of the things that can and do go wrong in life happen, it's even harder. Mom needed a blood transfusion not all too long ago, and her cancer markers have climbed back up (slowly, but up is up, and up is not good). This has coincided with some of those other things in life that can go wrong and did...it has sucked, really sucked. But worse I let it get to me.
End of August 2013 Entry
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4/17/2014

I recently realized that I need to write and in this realization I pulled up my blogger account to see where I had left off. I found this draft that I had never published and I have decided to share it because it is a true reflection of how I felt and what I thought at the time. I have since learned that the despair that I felt about my career and many of those that surrounded me then was a reflection of the negativity that was never mine to own. With time and a willingness on my part to consider other possibilities I found in myself the strength to be open to the opportunities that often very difficult changes present us, if we look deep within ourselves.

I would not change a moment before the loss that I experienced when my mentor and friend moved on but I have found that perception changes and people surprise you too. I have a new boss, a wonderful, kind, supportive and extraordinarily brilliant man who believes in me in the ways that my former one did and in new ways too.

I am on a new journey now. I am serving as the Interim Dean at a local college. This is an entirely new set of challenges to my already very complicated life but rewarding. I feel truly empowered again and that is wonderful.

Well enough about me...time to go start the blog post that I really logged in to write. It's been a long several months since August, today being one of the more challenging days with mom's treatment and prognosis. I don't know where I will begin or how I will get it all down, but I am off to try.