Wishes...

It hasn't felt much like Christmas this year. Mostly it just felt like walking through my life without actually living in it. Allot like Ebenezer in "A Christmas Carol" except I am not a scrooge and this is not a dream. Unfortunately it is realty.

Late on Christmas Eve after my son (age 4) went to bed my husband and I sat by the fire while he wrapped the last few gifts (we actually planned ahead this year) and I cried off and on as we talked. Sometimes it's the moments of silence in the warmth of my home, sitting with my loved ones near that lead my thoughts to what I stand to lose and the tears come crashing down. There's no stopping them. It's overwhelming this idea that my beautiful mother has this awful disease slowly (enough to be excruciating) killing her, taking her much too soon. Then my thoughts turn to what she stands to lose, what she has already lost and how is she making it through each day? Each minute? The emotional agony that I feel seems unbearable. I feel like it's swallowing me whole, so how must she feel? And is there even anything I can do to help, to really make a difference.

I just want to hug my mother over and over and tell her I love her. I just want to be near her. To sit in silence. To talk. Anything at all that will make my memories of her richer, stronger. I just don't want to waist the precious time we still have but I worry that I am making it harder for her too.

In the last few minutes before my husband and I turned in for the night after we' d just finished talking about how excited my son was for Christmas (talking about anything helps to keep my mind from wondering back to the one problem I can't solve) I said "I really wish we at least get a dusting of snow, he's so excited about Christmas and that would make it perfect". The next morning very early my son climbed into our bed to wake us up. Santa was here, he left some of his cookies behind for the little guy, along with a dusting of snow.

Did I just waist a precious wish? There was no snow in the forecast but there was a dusting of snow on Christmas morning. Oh that I wished for a miracle. Or are wishes for those without faith. I wonder. Where is my faith? Well, I left it behind long ago. At least in the religious sense. Is this a reminder that I should find it again? I don't know, but I have asked myself that allot lately.