On the days when I am able to focus (especially focus on something positive) I am more at ease, I worry less and I tend to be more optimistic about everything, certainly about mom. Days when the dull climb up the endless mountain of work takes some twists and turns resulting from an unexpected triumph and a sense of accomplishment are great. The touchdowns are endless and we are winning by many (so many we are Bill Belichick and we are criticized for rubbing it in our opponents face). My thoughts turn to the countless days we'll have together, to the hope of a cure (from some other super smart human brain) and the thought of my mother being released from this sentence she's been given.
On the days that I find myself in the suck zone, I worry, I become Tedy without the greatness. It consumes me and it's often irrational. Will the scans confirm our optimism? What is unknown? Why are our days limited? Why her? How can there not be a cure for her? How?
Today is one of those days. It's crept up on me slowly as the day passed. It hit me smack dab in the middle of a meeting with another Director. It really is quite embarrassing to be meeting professional to professional, planning institutional goals and directions, looking at the big picture and then suddenly be stopped in your tracks, holding your breath and trying not to cry because for no explicable reason your mind is working against you today and worst of all it was a surprise attack.
You see, I know that we all have it inside us to be great, I truly believe that. I myself have had moments of greatness, however, we rarely give ourselves credit for the greatness. Yet, we take our faults ten fold - we hold the weight of the world on our shoulders and wonder why we feel so deflated. It's not rational, I know this...but the mind is a powerful thing and it takes a lot to stave off the worries of losing your mom to Cancer.
A side note: The NE Patriots are the ONLY team. Curtis and Tedy rank among my favorite players and while I love NY, I will never love the Jets.
